


When Pennywise was me

by AlessiaLoanna



Category: Bill Skarsgard Fandom, IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Clowns, Derry, F/M, Gore, Nightmares, Rape, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-01-09 02:35:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12267153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlessiaLoanna/pseuds/AlessiaLoanna
Summary: Cassandra Morgan lives the life of a normal teenager until she moves to Derry and meets the clown Pennywise for the first time. In order to protect her little sister Ella from the murderous monster she accepts the deal "it" proposes.As long as Cass provides Pennywise with food, her little sister is safe.When she finally leaves the ghosts of her past behind after graduating and setting off to college, a tragedy leaves her no option but to return to Derry which means, she's back in Pennywise's territory and of course, "it" knows..





	1. Prologue

Prologue

Dear whoever finds this letter,  
my name is Cassandra, Cassandra Morgan and I am currently 20 years old.  
This will be the last day of my life.  
Why you ask? Because I can’t bear living like this anymore.  
I’ve done things so terrible no one would ever dare to speak about them if they knew.  
But let me tell you about them, that’s the least I can do to try and make things better.  
Of course everything will be better when I am gone, or maybe not but that won’t be my problem anymore.  
I’ve done my duty and I will confess everything now.  
Afterwards I will hang myself right here in my bedroom to mark the end of things in Derry.  
I was Cassandra Morgan and this was my story with Pennywise the clown…


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys!! Thank you so so much for the kudos and reads and everything :D  
> I was very worried that a story that's about to get very very dark and sinister wouldn't be interesting to you but wow, just wow, I am so so happy you're into this :) Please enjoy the first chapter now!   
> xxx

Chapter 1:

It all started on a foggy day only a couple of weeks after my family moved to the little town of Derry.   
Our house there was huge compared to the small flat we had rented in Chicago but due to the fact that our father wanted us girls to grow up in a safer   
environment we had to pack our bags.   
My room was of course the bigger one with the lovely huge window and the bench in front of it while my sister Ella, she was only 8 years old   
by that time, had the smaller one next to our parent’s bedroom.   
We never talked about it but I perfectly knew that whenever she had a bad dream she would crawl up into Mom and Dad’s bed and hide underneath their blanket until she would fall asleep again.   
Grandma Morgan always scolded Dad for allowing such behavior at her age but he only said, that soon it would probably be the last time he could cuddle up to his little girl until she would grow up and be a young lady like I was back then at the age of 14.  
Dad loved to call me a “lady” because he would often compare me to his favourite author Charlotte Bronte and call me “mylady” only to spin my around and bow in front of me until I allowed him to raise. Then he would tickle me until I almost choked with laughter.   
Both of us girls had a marvelous childhood. We were so carefree and always knew we were loved no matter what, our parents would always be by our side to guide us.  
But everything changed when Ella suddenly got sick.  
It came without any warning signs or at least I never noticed them if they were there.  
“Leukemia” as the doctors said and nobody knew how long she would survive let alone if her tiny body could deal with the side effects the therapy would have.   
Maybe she would lose the long, red hair that cascaded around her shoulders framing her childish face making her look like a rosy cheeked cherub.   
Or her body would get weak and all bloated and sore and she would cry every minute of her life and none of us could help nor heal her.  
Sometimes I would take her out with me for a walk and she would hold my hand so firmly as if I would let go any minute and leave her alone for good.   
My fragile little butterfly.  
Although being at the age of 14 at that time I should have actually been more interested in boys, dates and proms, I always preferred to be around Ella.   
Making her happy was my only purpose in life and every smile or hearty laugh felt like a reward.  
Just like the giggle that slipped from her the day we met the dancing clown named Pennywise.  
Pennywise came up to us in the street behind our house. We were almost back home but before I could open up the backdoor he jumped towards us waving his left hand frantically while carrying two red balloons in his right.  
“Hello young ladies, would you two like to have a balloon? I picked them especially for you in the balloon fields”, he giggled presenting one of them to Ella.   
She laughed happily and reached for it but I shoved her away glaring at the strange clown.  
I should have listened to my guts because deep inside I felt the horror that came from his presence and intuitively the hair on my back stood up whenever I looked at him.  
Or should I rather say “it”?  
“No thank you, we have to go home now, our Mom is waiting for us”, I tried to get closer to our door but Ella yanked at my hand.  
“Oh, can I have one? Cassie please, just one!”, she whispered her huge, round eyes watering.  
“Please, Cassie! Let her have one!”, Pennywise hopped closer his voice sounding as if he was mocking me.   
I should have reacted in a much stricter way but I was too young to really understand the danger this encounter bore.  
“Okay take it and then we have to go, thank you, Pennywise”, I let go of Ellas hand and in an instant the clown grabbed my little sister by her arm his long, white, spidery fingers fumbling all over her neck his nose sniffing at her wavy, red hair.  
“Mmmmmhhh I like that scent, little girls always taste better in the evening. You can give her to me, she won’t live long anyways, Cassandra”, the clown snickered devilishly, “go home, little Cassie and tell Mommy that you killed your sister, your poor, sick little sister!”  
My heart almost stopped in fear. I needed to get her out of his grip so I gulped heavily and walked up to the tall, lean person.   
At least back then I though Pennywise was only a man from the neighborhood and that’s why he knew our names and everything about Ella.  
But Pennywise was no man, no human being, no clown.   
Pennywise was something dark and otherworldly that had come into our world to chase and to feed.  
Only two more steps and I could have stretched out my hand to grab Ella and take her home with me but as soon as I tried to reach for her Pennywise yanked her aside showing me three rows of teeth, each and every one as sharp as needles.  
“One more step and I’ll devour both of you nosy brats!”, he spat at me.  
“Then take me but let her go! You can do what you want to me, I don’t care but let Ella go or are you really a coward that has to kidnap sick children that cannot fight back? You are a dumb coward, clown!”, I shouted at him making him roar in anger but at least he let go of my sister before closing his disgusting hand around my throat squeezing tightly.  
Instantly I felt the blood rush in my ears and my breaths getting shorter.  
Ella fell backwards coughing loudly and crawling nearer to the wooden door that led into our garden.   
At least she was safe, for now.  
“Run..”, I choked closing my eyes to blink away the tears in the corners of my eyes.  
“Run..boohoo, run little Ella, first I am going to eat your foul smelling big sister and then I’ll come for you and eat each and every one of your finger slowly slowly slowly like the blood cancer eating you from the inside out”, Pennywise tilted his head back and laughed.  
“Stop, I have something to offer..”, I murmured using the last breath I had left.  
My head spun and the world turned dark before my eyes with only two glowing yellow dots left that hypnotized me.  
“Humm, hum.. what might that be, I am listening, Cassandra but don’t steal my time, I am getting wrinkly”, he still didn’t let go of my throat so I only coughed and choked, “oh right, you filthy humans need oxygen.”  
In a swift movement he let me fall down onto the asphalted street where I curled up into a ball clutching my upper body sucking in air greedily.  
“Speak up, mylady, speak up”, again Pennywise mocked me by using the petname my father gave me and danced around my hurting body.  
“I will bring you children, better…fatter children… if you leave Ella alone.. I promise.. I will be your servant..for as long as my sister..lives”, I wasn’t able to say more because I felt myself blacking out slowly, all live fading from me.  
“Uhhh, Cassie, that sounds tempting..I will take you for granted but dare you to disappoint me, little bitch! Sleep for now”, Pennywise knelt down next to me hissing into my ear.  
The last thing I could smell was a foul odour and the stink of sewers in the rain.  
Then something hit me and I passed out.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Most of the times he came to me while I was lying in bed at night trying to get some rest but with Ella next door and a crazy clown on the run  
it was almost impossible so the dark circles under my eyes grew bigger and bigger as the months passed.  
“Uhh wakey wakey, Cassie. Your beloved is hungry…bring me some food…”, he used to snarl into my ear causing me to sit bolt upright in my bed,  
“don’t forget your promise.”

The first time it happened was only a week after our first encounter with Pennywise.  
Suddenly he would just appear next to my bed crawling out from underneath it while I was trying to read a book for school just as if he had  
been waiting for me the whole day.  
“Cassandra…Cassandra…I can see you”, he would giggle and jump up and down at the foot of my bed clapping happily,  
“did you miss me, my little girl? Did you forget your promise to me? I hope not! We have to go out hunting or…I’ll hunt down your beloved little sister.”  
With the last words he would let himself slump down on my bed and crawl up over me until his face was directly over mine sniffing,  
always sniffing because he loved the stink of fear and my frightful shaking made him feel stronger and stronger.  
Maybe that was my mistake after all, letting him get so close to me showing how much I feared him. Sometimes he would also lick my face tasting me.  
He said that he wanted to get some appetite and that he would take a finger or an ear for a snake if I was a bad girl.  
“What do you mean by hunting?”, I dared to ask trying to control my racing pulse.  
“I need food, Cassandra. Real..living food… Bring me a girl or maybe a boy but not too old, maybe around 6, they are so juicy at that age  
and so fresh in taste, oh Cassandra, one day I will let you have a taste too”, his left hand closed over my throat making me moan in fear but he didn’t choke me this time.  
I tried to hold perfectly still until he finished stroking my lips with the dirty, stinking fingers of his right hand.  
Silently I was praying to all the gods I knew by name that he would stop and let go of me but the more disgusted I was the more fun he had tormenting me.  
Pennywise loved to torment me.  
My mind and my body alike.  
Sometimes I would have huge bruises on my back and my belly from where I had picked me up and thrown me against my desk  
or the nightstand or any other piece of furniture he saw fit.  
“Tomorrow afternoon, I want at least one child at the entrance of the sewers or I’ll devour your little Ella piece by piece and let you watch, my little bitch”,  
he warned me muffling my cries with his reeking hand over my mouth.  
The sewers.  
That was an explanation for his foul smell, he was living down there haunting them but also using it as a safe place to feast  
because no one would ever go down those stinking shitholes.  
Suddenly he was gone just like that leaving only a red balloon right in the middle of my bedroom slowly sinking into the ground turning into a puddle of blood.  
Crying I tried to scrub away the red, gooey liquid from my carpet but the more I swished the worse it got until I heard Pennywise’ mocking laughter and the red was gone.  
My fingers and my carpet were perfectly clean.

That night I cried myself to sleep waking up every hour until I could finally get up and go to school knowing that I still needed a plan because if I failed Ella was as good as dead.  
“Uhh Cassandra, slept with a vampire again?”  
“Little gothic princess Dracula!”  
“Want a bat to chew it’s head off?”  
I almost fell asleep during break but Morgan Turner and her peasants Donna and Jenna, the twins, never failed to make my life even harder.  
The whole class snickered. Being the rather new girl in class even after three months wasn’t enough, the three blond girls had detected my  
dark circles and instantly found a way to make fun of them.  
And that was when it hit me.  
My lips curled into an evil smile as my plan unfolded in front of me.  
“You always think you are so clever and sexy, right? But can you fight too? Wait for me at the sewers today at 3 pm and show me  
what you got, bitches. Love, Cassandra” I scribbled on a piece of paper casually dropping it onto Morgan’s desk while leaving class to go to the bathroom.  
I almost expected Pennywise to sit on the sinks and wait for me when I entered the restrooms but surprisingly he wasn’t there.  
Maybe he was already preparing his collection of knives for the feast.  
Time passed slowly and deep inside of me I couldn’t wait for Pennywise to devour the three bitches. It seemed easy to feed the bullies to him but what if he didn’t want them?  
What if 14 year olds were not good enough for him?  
A feeling of nausea overcame me and I almost got sick over my geometry books.  
The class started spinning before my eyes and I knew I had to get out of there so I started packing my bag hardly recognizing  
Miss Munroe talking to me asking me if I was feeling unwell.  
I just brushed past her and bolted out of the room accompanied by childish laughter.

Sweat was running down my face prickling my skin when I reached the entrance to the Derry sewers a foul, familiar smell getting stronger the nearer I got.  
Just as I turned around I saw three figures approaching me from a distance. The girls were already following me on my heels.  
They must have skipped the last period in fear I would run away and stand them up but I had absolutely no intentions to.  
Inside of me I felt anger rising for all they had done to me in the past weeks like stuffing my shoes into the trashcan, putting tiny  
pin nails onto my seat waiting for me to sit down on them or just kicking me into the stomach.  
They deserved to be eaten alive, I was sure so I waited for them to approach me.  
“Well well, if it isn’t Dracula’s daughter”, Morgan snickered while the twins shook with laughter.  
“If I am Dracula’s daughter, you’re the town whore’s daughter..oh wait, you already are, cunt!”, I spat only to receive a punch in the belly by the tall,  
blond leader of the pack.  
With a cry of pain I sank to the ground clutching my upper body when the other two girls started kicking me sparing only my face.  
I knew what that meant.  
Maybe Morgan had already unpacked her pocket knife to give me a nice little scar.  
I hardly recognized them suddenly letting go of me.  
All I could see was a floating, red balloon and a severed arm landing next to my throbbing head.  
He had found them.  
It had found them and now it was time to eat.  
Glad to have fulfilled the task Pennywise gave me I closed my eyes in defeat listening to the sound of bodies being ripped apart,  
horrified screams and crying until I blacked out a satisfied smile on my lips.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

That afternoon Pennywise must have taken me home because I woke up in my bed still wearing my dirty clothes reeking of piss and blood.   
Scared to death I looked down at my body but I still had all my fingers, toes and even my ears were still attached to my body.   
Maybe the three girls were enough to still his hunger.   
Maybe it was over now because I had brought him food.  
But deep inside I knew that this was only the beginning and it would never be over.  
Blinking I crawled out of bed looking at the smiling plastic sheep with the clock on its belly set on my nightstand.   
It was only 5pm, neither Mom nor Dad were home yet and Ella would have her therapy till 5:30 so I still had time to shower and put on fresh clothes.  
Slowly I took off my shirt and unbuttoned my jeans when I felt something firm in my pocket.  
I couldn’t remember putting anything inside so I carefully tried to pull it out but it seemed to be stuck.   
Yanking at the longish thing I suddenly screamed in fear while pulling out a blood drained finger with a long, pink nail pointing directly at me.  
Morgan’s index finger.  
Immediately I threw it away from me only to be laughed at by Pennywise. The clown appeared out of the bathroom giggling at the sight of me.  
“What? Don’t you like my little present?”, he knelt down in front of me picking the finger up wiggling it around like a lifeless stuffed   
doll, “let me tell you something, I ripped it off before I killed her and shoved it into her tiny, tight asshole and she even liked it.”  
Pennywise laughed even louder drops of spit landing on my face making me gag.  
“If the police finds it here they will think it was me who killed her”, I whispered.  
“But it was you killed all three of them! You lured them to my home, I just took advantage of the situation but basically   
it was you who killed them…because you’re a murderer, Cassandra, nothing but a foul, sneaky murderer. You are just like me..”,   
he got all excited showing me his seemingly endless rows of teeth.  
My heart skipped a beat.   
Basically he was right. Those three girls were dead and it was my fault.  
My stomach turned over and I pushed past the clown violently trying to reach the toilet before honking up all that was inside but I still felt his disgusted gaze on me.  
“You are a disgrace, Cassandra. I’ll take my present with me, I need a snack anyways. Keep an eye out, little bitch, I’ll come for you   
and next time get me something juicier, one of them wasn’t even a virgin anymore, disgusting cunt.”  
With a plop! he was suddenly gone but his smell still poisoned my bathroom making me throw up a second time when I heard the front door opening.

Thinking back I was a fool to even try to cooperate with that murderous being.   
I should have let him have us instead of the dozen of kids he demanded from me in the following years.  
The first few were bullies and I wasn’t the only one in school being happy about their disappearance but by the next year  
I already ran out of them and had to search for innocent victims I could feed him.  
Sometimes he was so happy and delirious that I served him his food like a pizzaboy delivering extra garlic bread,   
he only killed for fun without even devouring the children.  
The headless body of a seven year old boy was found three weeks after he was kidnapped with only his underwear on.   
Seeing that I didn’t want to know what else Pennywise did to the children so I turned my head in search for a next victim.  
It’s scary how fast a person can get completely numb inside and act only to survive.  
But numb also meant safe. Ella’s safety was guarantied as long as I provided food.  
I was numb by the time I fed Dorothy to Pennywise.  
She was a beefy five year old girl with brown pigtails and a yellow raincoat and of course she loved sugary sweet popcorn and red balloons.   
She was the youngest I ever lured to the sewers.  
After taking her with me I let her close her eyes and count to 10.   
I told her I would hide and if she would find me I would buy her the biggest bowl of ice cream one could ever imagine.   
She was only five and I closed my eyes when Pennywise dragged her inside the pipe a strand of hair falling out of one of her pigtails being the last thing I saw of her.

Pennywise wouldn’t come for me every week, sometimes I didn’t see him for months but I always had the disgusting feeling that he was watching my every move.  
Once he explained, that he actually slept for decades after he ate but he had so much fun that he wouldn’t want to miss a day   
and he never had a pet before so he would abuse me in every way instead of sleeping like a dumb.  
“Why? Why is it so much fun for you to torment me?”, I once dared to ask after he almost broke my hand when I refused to follow his orders.   
Pennywise’ gaze had fallen upon the unlucky little boy named Jonathan Draper who had a lame foot and I said I wouldn’t   
give him disabled and sick children because that would be unfair and cowardly.  
After telling him no he picked me up by my hand twisting it until I shrieked in pain and felt something snap inside of it.   
I wasn’t able to use my hand for the next couple of days and told my parents that I had fallen from my bike on my way home.   
Of course they believed every word I said.  
“Oh Mom, Daddy, a crazy killer clown tried to break my arm, that’s why it’s blue and swollen”, wouldn’t have been exactly what they wanted to hear so I left that bit out.  
“Tell me why, Pennywise, go on”, I asked a second time slumping down on my bed feeling drowsy and tired not caring if he would  
hurt me again or do other things to me when he suddenly sat down on my bed next to me and eyed me for a few seconds.  
“Because I can, that is why”, was all he said but his tone was calm and sound, not that squeaky roaring he used most of the time but   
more human than ever before, “because I can Cassandra, I never could do anything until I figured out what I am really able to.   
It’s like a bird suddenly discovering his ability to fly. I torment children because I can. Go sleep now, you aren’t of any use for me today.”  
Of course he took Jonathan that evening  
The boy’s body was found in the woods surrounding Derry missing an arm and the liver.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers! First of all thank you so so sooo much for reading, liking and commenting! <3  
> The next chapter is a very dark one and I want to warn you before you start reading because there is rape involved.   
> Stay safe and take good care <3

Chapter 4:  
I truly confess that I am a murderer.  
I murdered children, lots of them by knowingly presenting them to a murderous being haunting the sewers scaring, betraying and eating each and every one of them.  
And I was the only person knowing about those things happen.  
I lied into their parent’s faces and I attended the burials of the children I murdered.  
But deep inside I was already dead after the first time Pennywise touched me.  
It killed me to know that he had touched me, violated my body and my soul with his stinking fingers so many times that   
it did not only made me numb inside, it made me vanish leaving a body that acted like a robot without any feelings except for the urge to protect Ella.

When I was almost done with my final exams at school I once dared to take a boy up to my room, his name was Elliot   
and he wanted to help me study for my maths exam as I wasn’t exactly the best at that subject but instead of helping me he tried to kiss me.  
I wasn’t prepared for this and clumsily bit his lip by accident but he didn’t seem to care and I was impressed by him actually seeing me and wanting to touch me.  
He was very sweet and gentle when his arms reached underneath my pullover stroking my back and my belly   
but when Elliot reached my breasts I didn’t want to continue anymore so I shrugged him off much to his surprise.   
The boy never asked why I didn’t want him to touch me further, he only kissed me on the lips gently, smiling warmly   
and left after he explained the trigonometry until I understood.  
“What do you think you were doing, you dirty whore? Do you really think that I am interested in watching you and your   
bastard friend hooking up right in front of my eyes?”, with a sudden jump Pennywise leaped onto my bed sitting in front of me like an ugly, white toad.  
I didn’t even flinch when he jump scared me, I was already used to him appearing out of the blue and since   
I was on my own again I wasn’t afraid he could hurt anyone but me.  
“Even though you follow me like a creepy pervert shadow I still have my own life and I do as I please with whom   
I please, if you don’t mind”, I spat trying to avoid his gaze.  
Pennywise giggled while he slowly crawled forward until his hands pinned my arms to my sides and his face was right above mine.  
Quickly I felt panic rising inside of me and my stomach turning at the smell of damp clothes.  
“Your life is in my hands and you know that so don’t give me that attitude!”, one of his hands suddenly wandered down to the button of my trousers.  
My eyes widened in shock.   
Even the thought of him touching me was so horrifying I couldn’t bear holding still.  
I tried to struggle out of his grip shrugging him off only to receive a blow on my legs involuntarily spreading them a bit further.   
Of course he took advantage of my helplessness and shoved a gloved hand into my pants.  
“No please don’t, there’s no need to do that, please Pennywise..”, I begged tears clouding my vision while my whole body tightened and shook in fear.  
“Please Pennywise, please! The only thing I can hear is a slut begging to get touched by a gentle soul like me.   
Actually it is my right to be the first one to touch you. Your body and soul are mine, I already explained that, Cassie, so   
I am allowed to rub your wet cunt, not some pimple-faced, stinking brat!”, his left hand went over my mouth muffling my   
cries for help pressing my head into the pillow while the right rubbed the middle of my underwear roughly.  
Tears started streaming from my eyes when I realized that there was no way out, not then, not ever,   
I would always be his plaything and he would do exactly as he pleased, Pennywise would always get his way, with me and with all the others in town.  
My soul split into a thousand pieces when his dirty fingers slid into me violating my insides while he laughed and laughed manically seemingly pleased by seeing me in pain.  
Again and again he thrust into me his yellow eyes glowing with desire.  
By the time he had finished I wasn’t a virgin anymore and my bed sheets wet with blood.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

Soon after that incident I moved away from Derry only a week after reaching the age of 18 and I thought I was finally safe for good.   
That we were safe for good.  
Ella had a good spot in a boarding school in Europe where a clinic was nearby so she could get her treatments on a regular basis   
and continue to visit school and I started studying Scandinavian Literature at college.   
Everything seemed settled and the real life was about to start for all of us until I received a letter from my father only 2 semesters later   
telling me that Ella’s recent therapies didn’t work making her grow weaker by the hour.   
It was a shock for all of us and I immediately packed my things again, signed out of college and booked a flight over to England   
with all the money I had saved for the past years.   
Seeing my sister in such a poor condition made me want to cry but I tried to look strong for her.   
What was even worse and broke my heart every day was the fact that I couldn’t help her or make things better for her. The only thing I could do   
was sit by her bed, read books to her and watch the time pass until one morning she wouldn’t answer me anymore.  
Her fragile, pale body was as limp as a doll, her skin waxen like a recently blown out candle.  
I can’t remember how often I shook her body and screamed at her to answer me before the nurses dragged me out of her room away from her deathbed.   
They must have given me something to calm me down because the days after her passing were a huge blur in my head.   
The next thing I could remember was that we were back in Derry for her funeral.  
Back in Derry.  
Back home.  
Back in Pennywise’ territory.  
And I knew he would come for me, it was only a matter of time.  
As much as I wanted to go back to college, my parents wouldn’t let me because they thought it would be better for my healing process to take at least a year off.   
They never knew that with this they had damned for all time or let’s say for what was left of my time on earth.   
I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand up to him this time let alone survive.

The ceremony was quiet but sweet, I made sure they would only play Disney songs Ella had loved and instead of roses  
I organized an armada of little teddybears to throw into her grave as a warm and fluffy goodbye.   
Maybe it was a stupid gesture but I was sure, Ella would have loved to bathe in a pool of plush bears.  
After a string quartet version of “A dream is a wish your heart makes” it was my turn to give a tiny speech as my mother   
was too high on painkillers and sleeping pills to even say a word and my father refused to say a word.  
Slowly I walked to the front of the small room filled with young people, all her former classmates, friends from her   
boarding school, teachers and neighbors were crammed into it looking at me sniffing and silently crying.  
I cleared my throat and unfolded the damp piece of paper I had held in my sweaty palm the whole time and took a closer   
look at all the people before me when I suddenly saw her.  
She was wearing a long black dress and matching kitten heels while her long, curly, dark hair was pulled up in a ponytail   
and thick, dark rimmed glasses set on her little button nose.  
I swallowed hard trying to get rid of the lump that kept me from starting my speech.  
“Umm..”, again I coughed and licked my sandpaper dry lips when I gazed at the young woman smiling at me and nodding encouragingly.   
That instant I knew that I could, no I had to do it for Ella and I had to continue my life for her, talk to her, think about her   
everyday and honor her memory and suddenly the words just came out of me, lots and lots of sentences about my sister and stuff we’d been through.  
At one point the room broke into laughter because I talked about that one time when we tried to scare Mom and Dad   
at Halloween with bloody rubber-fingers but they ended up in our spaghetti bowls making us jump.  
In the end I got through it without crying but when the first few notes of “You’ll be in my heart” came from the speakers   
I felt hot tears streaming down my face while we walked over to the open grave.  
It was almost time to say good-bye when the carriers set down the casket.  
I couldn’t imagine my little, lovely sister lying in that thing in the dark without me protecting her.   
She would be there on her own. What if she wasn’t dead but trapped in the casket?  
What if she needed help to get out?  
What if it was all a misunderstanding?  
I felt heat rising in my and the whole world started spinning in front of my eyes when a soft, firm touch at my hand made me spin around.  
It was her. She stood right behind me holding my hand in hers gently massaging each finger as if to calm me down.   
The sweet scent of her perfume tickled my nose in a soothing way.  
It was the smell of cherries and strawberries and cotton candy and…popcorn…  
My head darted up and there he was.  
Right next to Ella’s casket that slowly sunk into the deep, dark hole that was her grave was the filthy, dirty clown   
I hoped I would never have to see again and he was mocking me.  
Mocking us. Mocking everyone who cried for Ella.  
He shrieked loudly while pretending to wipe tears from his eyes.  
Anger made me break out in sweat because I knew I couldn’t jump over and choke that damn clown right on the spot.   
Nobody would see him and I would end up in a straitjacket.  
“Calm down, I am here and I won’t let go of your hand”, a soft but husky voice whispered into my ear.   
From the corner of my eyes I could see the dark haired woman still behind me.  
“Thank you..”, I murmured and forced myself to watch the wooden box vanish while Pennywise still tried to get my attention   
by blowing up a bunch of red balloons until he grinned devilishly and pointed to the woman behind me.  
Then he made a shrill laughing noise that was similar to the sound of breaking glass or a long fingernail scratching over a   
blackboard, and walked backwards never loosing eye contact with me until he fully vanished into the nearby bushes.  
I swallowed heavily.  
So he knew I was back and he knew that Ella was dead.  
Basically I was freed from my promise, there was no way he could make me do those terrible things again.   
No way in the world.   
I was free.  
At least I thought so.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:  
As much as I had hoped that Pennywise would stay away from me, deep inside I knew that my desperate prayers wouldn’t get an answer.  
The first time he would visit me took longer than I had expected, he did give me a couple of weeks to rest and grief after the funeral and I   
almost thought that finally somebody had taken care of him so I would never have to face him again.   
But I was so very wrong.  
I could smell his damp, rotten clothes before I actually saw him appear behind me in the bathroom where I had just finished brushing my teeth and braiding my hair.  
“Look at you”, he approached me cocking his head sideways grinning madly, “what a vision you are all grown up.   
You look indeed like a lady now, at least if you weren’t a slut. But grief suits you, you looked so pretty at the funeral!   
Uh yes, I heard your sister was in pain when the clock struck 12?”  
As always he tried to provoke me but I wouldn’t get angry.   
Not this time.  
“No she didn’t, she died in her sleep. Bad sources you have there, clown”, I mocked him although I knew what would come next.  
In an instant he was right behind me pressing his stinking body into mine yanking my head back by my braid forcing me to look him right in the eyes.   
They were brighter than ever glimmering yellow in the spare bathroom light.  
“Still the cheeky witch you were years ago, right? Oh you never learn, Cassandra.   
Whatever you say or do, you cannot win, not ever, I will always have the last laugh, you can’t compete with me. And now, don’t forget your promise, I am hungry”, he whispered his tongue brushing past my ear gliding over my cheek further down where he pressed his mouth onto mine biting down on my lip until I felt the irony taste of blood.  
I tried to struggle out of his grip but he was far too strong muffling my cries with his own mouth where they died just like everything that went past his ludicrous reddened lips.  
“Be a good girl and don’t fight back, bring me food, I am hungry”, with those words he hopped onto the sink before me and swished down the drain like a pale white snake.  
My head spun and my stomach rebelled.  
Quickly I turned around to the toilet only seconds before I threw up a few times.  
His taste of death still clung to my mouth and even after brushing my teeth I couldn’t get rid of it. Pennywise demanded food again.   
But why should I be the one to provide it?  
My sister was dead so there was nothing left for her to fear?

Only three days later I decided to pick up Taranee from school, she was the new first grade teacher, 4 years older than me and the mysterious woman from the funeral.  
After that we had met a few times and instantly bonded over coffee, went to the movies and suddenly there was this warm, fuzzy feeling inside of me I couldn’t really describe.  
I liked having Taranee around, I liked listening to her reading short stories to me.  
I liked her warm, soft, chocolate brownie coloured skin touching mine.  
And I liked her breath next to my ear when she whispered to me in the cinema.  
To me things like this were completely new but what I was absolutely sure about was that she made me feel good, she made me feel safe and   
finally made me feel like a woman, a human being, not a disgusting puddle of filth constantly pestered by a murderous monster.  
“What are you thinking about, Cassandra?”, Taranee bumped her shoulder into mine.  
“About ice cream, I would love to have ice cream.. with whipped cream and sprinkles”, I smiled at her waiting for those ruby red lips of hers to curl up too.  
“And M&Ms, no ice cream without M&Ms, girl”, she giggled jumping of the wall we had sat on taking my hand to help me down as I was a little smaller than her.  
That moment felt like a bolt of lightning through my whole body.  
Goosebumps rose on my back when I finally put my hand on her hip pulling her closer to me our noses touching, her breath on my lips.  
When we kissed right in front of the school the warm, fuzzy feeling grew stronger than ever and nothing had ever felt so right in my life as   
my hand wandered underneath her shirt to caress the skin of her back.  
What I didn’t recognize back then was the grinning clown behind the oak tree watching every move me made thinking about the next   
cruel perversions he could put me through.

In the end I decided to ignore Pennywise’s demands because I thought I he had nothing against me.  
I was so very, very wrong.

One night when I was only just about to fall asleep I heard a ruffling somewhere around my window but no matter where I looked, I couldn’t find the source of it.   
Shivering from wearing only a t-shirt and shorts I crawled back to bed and pulled the blanket over my head.   
Whatever it was I didn’t want to see or hear it anymore so I decided to ignore any further noises. Sleep would eventually come and soak   
me up in a nice little dream about me and Ella on a beach wearing huge sunhats sipping on cocktails served in coconuts.  
That was always the vision I had whenever I thought about my sister. She deserved to be in a place like that and I desperately hoped she would   
wait there for me until it was my turn to die and be reunited with my beloved little princess.  
“How are you, Cass?”, dream-Ella asked me slurping on her cocktail.  
“Wonderful. I love the beach”, I purred adjusting my aviator sunglasses when it hit me, “are you drinking alcohol?”   
“Yeeeaaahhh”, Ella giggled jumping up from her towel suddenly wearing a cute sundress instead of a two piece bathing suit carrying a boombox,   
“what do you want to hear? I am totally in the mood for Cyndi Lauper.”  
I dreamed myself into a long, green beach dress and started dancing next to her to the tunes of “Girls just wanna have fun” until I felt the presence of another person near us.  
“Hey princesses, can I join in on the fun”, it was Taranee wearing a bikini top and a short, cream coloured beach-skirt placing a soft kiss on my lips before dancing.  
I’ve never felt so happy in my life although I was aware that I was actually dreaming and I hoped that I would never have to wake up and face reality again.  
“You know, you could stay here, Cass. I mean forever! You don’t have to wake up, stay with me”, suddenly Ellas voice changed drastically to a shrill,   
high pitched tune, “we float down here, Cassandra, you could float too…”  
That instant her hand grabbed my arm, the small fingers pressing into my flesh hurting me badly. “Stay down here, Cassandra, stay with me and float.”  
Frantically I tried to get out of her grip when Ella suddenly changed, her limbs got longer, her skin turned grayish white and instead of the dress   
she wore a ragged, dirty clown costume.  
“Don’t try to hide from me, I always know where you are and what you’re doing”, Pennywise giggled pulling me so close to him that I could   
see the spit on his bold, fleshy lips, oh yes yes yes, I like her too. You and Taranee are such a cute couple, what a shame it would be if she missed an arm or a leg…or her head.”  
Shrieking I sat upright in my bed finally awake from the nightmare breathing heavily.  
Sweat dripped down my spine colouring my light grey shirt darker where it gathered into a huge stain.  
I stretched out my arm to reach the switch of the nightlight only to realize that the dark purple mark on my arm was still there.   
Not everything was a dream.   
Pennywise had been here and he had touched me.  
Again and again.   
Molested my dreams and disturbed my sleep.  
And now he even had me in his deadly grip again because he knew my weak spot.  
Again.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

Getting back to sleep was a completely impossible task for me.   
Instead I decided to finally stand up against my never resting demon and constantly sobbing I scribbled all the names of the kids he devoured because of me on a list.   
Pennywise killed a total of 14 kids over the past years.   
14 kids never coming back home for dinner.  
14 kids never growing up, finding love, getting married with kids.  
14 mothers and fathers with ruined lived and broken hearts.  
And all because of me.  
It had to stop, there was absolutely no way it could go on like this.   
Pennywise had to be stopped and I was the one to do it. I had to finish what I started even if it cost my life.

The next morning I went downstairs to get coffee when my mother looked at me as if I wasn’t there.   
She had that kind of strange expression on her face ever since Ella died, just as if she wasn’t in her body anymore.   
She looked zombie-like and pale and had lost a lot of weight. She wasn’t that full figured, beautiful and lively person she was anymore.  
Something inside of her just died together with her youngest daughter when she realized that her baby would never be coming back, like the kids I delivered to Pennywise.  
My eyes started watering at that thought and I pinched myself hard in the arm to get rid of that stinging feeling before I grabbed two mugs and poured the freshly brewed coffee inside of them. “Here you are, Mom. What would you like to eat for breakfast?”, I talked slowly just as if I was addressing a toddler because I was scared that too many quick words would upset her.  
But she didn’t answer, she just stared at the mug before her and stroke the red balloon painted on it with her index finger,   
over and over again until it became an aggressive scratching.  
“Breakfast? How can you think about breakfast…”, she muttered still scratching over the china making shrill noises that caused me to cover my ears.  
“Mom? Are you okay? Please stop that, it makes my ears hurt..”, I said a little louder over the horrible sounds hoping I could snap her out of her trance.

Squeak

Squeak

Squeak

“Stop…it…? I won’t ever stop, Cassandra, you know that!”, Mom shrieked and jumped up from the table, her chair falling down behind her while she jumped at me gripping me by the throat, “never, ever, my little girl. You are mine and you know that! Bring..me..food!”  
My eyes widened in shock. Now he even took hold of my poor, stunned and hurt mother?  
That was insane! I tried to wriggle out of my possessed mothers grip but Pennywise evil soul gave her an inhuman strength and moving got harder and harder as I felt all air slipping out of my body. “Please…Mom..let…go…”, my vision slowly got blurrier and blurrier when she suddenly let go of me and I fell to the kitchen floor like a wet sack panting and gurgling with the sudden air streaming back into my lungs.  
After a couple of deep couths I was able to breathe regularly and looked up at my Mother standing next to me still like a statue only watching me crawling up to the desk to heave my limp body into an upright position again.  
“Oh my god, darling, what is it? Are you okay? What happened?”, the next second she seemed to snap out of her state and rushed to my side helping me get up.  
“It’s fine Mom, I just slipped on some coffee I spilled earlier, it’s fine, thank you”, I mumbled looking her right in the eyes detecting the most worried look on her face.   
She seemed to be herself once more but I couldn’t bear tell her what had happened earlier.   
It would only have worried her even more or she would feel guilty or she wouldn’t even believe that there really was a killer clown on the loose.  
I wouldn’t have believed myself either I guess.

After pouring even more coffee into my travel mug I decided to go to the city archives to search through the death registers.   
At least I had to start somewhere even if it was only children’s death records or basically those cases which weren’t entirely clear.   
Those records were the most likely to involve Pennywise and after only 2 hours of working through them I had over 30 strange cases in the past 70 years including the one of a boy called George Denbrough who got missing around 1960.   
What was interesting about it was an extra interview with his older brother Bill who tried to convince the policemen that he saw a clown with a red balloon but they didn’t think it would be important in the case. To me it was proof that I wasn’t lunatic already and Pennywise was so so real not only to me. Maybe before 2008 other children also saw him in the past and I wasn’t even the first one.  
Then it hit me.  
How many children must have died because of him? When did his killingspree actually start?  
And what exactly was Pennywise when he was around already for such a long time.  
I gulped heavily.  
Maybe he was a demon who escaped from hell years and years ago, that was the reason he could live for such a long time.   
He only needed the flesh of young children.

There was no current address of Bill Denbrough in the file so I had to go back to the reception desk and ask the lady for a phone book, maybe he was still living in town and I could visit him or even ask him a few questions.   
“Bill Denbrough? Little stuttering Bill? No he doesn’t live around here anymore, puppet. He became a famous author and moved to New York.   
I am sure he still lives there but you can only reach him via his management, those famous people..”, the elder woman rolled her eyes and took a sip from her brightly pink teacup.   
“Umm, thank you, you helped me a lot. Would you mind if I use the computer for a bit to have a look at the novels he wrote? I would need it for a project at university”, I smiled brightly to make her feel that I was trustworthy with electronic devices although I wasn’t too sure about that.   
My real intention though was to use the copying machine to copy all the files I had secretly packed into my bag before secretly putting them back and I already had a glimpse at the “printing station”. As long I used the printer, she wouldn’t be able to hear the copying machine over the noises of the ancient, huge machine.  
“Of course, dear, just follow me, I’ll show you everything. What nice young women we have in town now, that new teacher, you know, the pretty, young one, she came here yesterday too. I hope she gets a good boy soon, that little princess”, she mumbled while stomping through the hallway on her short legs causing me to grin.  
My Taranee. Always the charming one.  
But what business could she have had in the archives? Didn’t she use the school’s computer?


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:  
My heart was pounding heavily when I left the building clutching a small piece of paper with an address in my sweaty palm.  
The only person who could possibly know what to do about Pennywise, maybe even know how to stop him at least for a little while,  
was not that far away but I had to find a good reason to contact him or he wouldn’t even let me in.  
Maybe if I faked to be a student, which I technically still was, only on a break.  
I still had my university ID card so that wouldn’t be a problem.  
Smiling nervously I crossed the street next to my parent’s house and tried to ignore the red balloon I could see from the corner of my eyes following me on foot.

Back in my room I felt sick not only because I knew hat Pennywise was stalking me, also because of Mr. Denbrough and Taranee. Why had she been to the archives?  
She must have searched for something but for what? And more important, why didn’t she ask me? I had spent most of my childhood in Derry, I knew things about the town.  
Deep in thoughts I flinched when my phone suddenly started ringing.  
If I only knew where I had put it.  
I hardly ever used it so it basically just lay around in my bedroom somewhere.  
When I finally discovered it underneath my pillow I could see that it was Taranee so I quickly hit the green answering button.  
“Hey, what’s up?”  
“Hello, darling. How are you doing?”  
“Fine, thanks. How was school? Are you done for today?”  
“Nah, just on a break, I still have a group of second graders who want to learn about elephants in the afternoon but we could meet at six and have a burger, if you want to.”  
“Sure, sounds good.”  
“..Cassandra? Are you okay?”  
“Yeah of course I am, gotta go now. See you at six.”  
I didn’t really want to talk to her before we could sort that thing about the archives out.  
Something about it really bugged me and I wanted to know if she maybe had some secrets she didn’t want to tell me about.  
“Uhhh poor Cassandra, your girlfriend doesn’t want to fuck you, huh?”, again I could smell him before he stepped out of my adjusted bathroom.  
Pennywise grinned mischievously and leaped onto my bed next to where I was sitting.  
“My relationship is none of your business, clown, and neither is Taranee. It’s me and my help you want, not her”, I said not even looking at him trying to ignore him so he would get bored and go away eventually. But of course he didn’t.  
Instead he kept on pestering me, pulling my hair and grabbing my face to force me to look at him. “If I have to remind you one more time, Cassandra,  
I swear I’ll take a bite out of her, I bet she tastes good, a little mouldy maybe, she’s a tad older you know”, with that he giggled and traced my lips with  
his index finger forcing me to inhale his rotten stink.  
“Dare you to lay hands on her”, I spat.  
“Haven’t I already told you not to threaten me? That would only make me even angrier and you know that I am furious already.  
If I wanted to I would break your neck right here and now and let you rot in your grave but you see, I am such a good and well behaved person, Cassie,  
and of course I also grew very fond of you. Uh I will never forget our first time together, do you remember that day? You squealed like a little piggy and  
your blood smelled so delicious I would have loved to eat you right on the spot”, he pressed me against the wall opposite of my bed grabbing both  
of my wrists pinning them over my head.  
Of course I remembered with a shudder but I had decided that I won’t let him get to me ever again. Now it was my time to strike back and I would hit him hard.  
“Why didn’t you, Pennywise?  
His mouth twitched at the sound of his name coming out of my mouth. Usually I didn’t dare to call him by his name but the success in my research  
made me feel slightly superior because I had realized that maybe I really wasn’t the only person that ever got pestered by him.  
He sniffed at my hair and suddenly he licked my right cheek which made me even sicker than I already felt in my stomach.  
“Because I need you and you need me. Feed me, feed me soon”, Pennywise closed my eyes with his hand and in the blink of an eye he was gone as fast as he had come before.

“Will you finally tell me what’s the matter? Something’s wrong, I can feel it Cassie”, Taranee stopped and pulled me aside.  
Her warm hands touching my shoulders making my skin prickle.  
I breathed in deeply.  
“Whoa wait, are you dumping me?”, her eyes suddenly started glistening with tears.  
“Taranee, of course not”, I smiled encouragingly and gave her a long, desperate kiss because I was too nervous to really ask her what she had been doing in the archives.  
Maybe I was too afraid to hear the answer.  
Or maybe I was afraid because a part of me could already guess what she was about to say.  
“I have to ask you something…”, I stuttered, “okay I’ll just..you know I was..and then..what were you doing in the city archives?  
Why where you using their computer? Didn’t you use the one in school?”  
It burst out so quickly I wasn’t even sure if she understood what I had babbled but judging from her startled face she knew perfectly what was going on.  
“Cassandra…let’s sit down for a bit”, she took my hand and led me to the nearest bench, “you know there is something I would like to tell you but  
please don’t think I am going completely insane, you have to promise not to judge, okay?”  
I shook my head. I would never judge a single thing coming out of that magnificent mouth.  
“Okay, so, there are two girls in my class, Clara and her twin sister Isabella, they told me about a strange man wearing a clown costume and of  
course I was afraid someone would stalk the girls or try to harm the other children and so I tried talking to a couple of parents but no one saw anything.  
After a couple of days it was Clara that suddenly stiffened when I told her to close the classroom window and when she cried out for me I rushed to her  
side of course and that was exactly when I saw him too. He looked raggedy and shaggy in his costume and he was holding a red balloon while waving at us.”  
My stomach almost turned at her story and I felt sweat pouring down my spine but I wanted her to keep on talking.  
I wanted to know everything she knew.  
“At the end of the day I went to the headmistress and told her about that. She looked scared but didn’t say anything at first until I described the clown.  
That’s when she broke down and told me about her younger brother who also talked about the clown but that was over 35 years ago.  
She swore that his description was exactly the same as the one the girls had given me. Clearly I had to investigate so I went to the archives.  
You know I am a rational person and I usually need proof before I can believe in stuff but the things I found made me fear for my life, Cassandra.  
I found pictures of a fair almost a hundred years ago and among the other clowns there was exactly the one with the red balloon and the shaggy costume.  
It was him, Cassie, I know it sounds insane but I am sure it was him…”  
Taranee was shaking furiously so I hugged her tightly but I couldn’t tell her that everything was alright because nothing at all was alright.  
Absolutely nothing anymore.  
“You think I am crazy, right?”  
“No I don’t. You are right, I saw him too. His name is Pennywise the dancing clown and he is attached to me like a vengeful spirit,  
a haunting ghost if you want to put it like that, and he feasts on children, innocent children and he is never satisfied, never…”  
Taranees eyes widened in shock as turned and stared at me.  
Now it was out.  
She wasn’t safe anymore.


End file.
